Heaven

I have some reliable insider information about heaven to share that I believe you’ll find encouraging. A number of these benefits and perks may incentivize your perseverance while you are presently confined to your earth suit.

I have it on good authority that there are no committee meetings in heaven. There is also no paperwork in heaven. Therefore, after you die, if you wake up in the afterlife and you're in a conference room and someone's passing a stack of budget reports around to everyone at the table...guess where you are?

By the way, there will be a LOT more people in heaven than you expected. Keep my short rhyme in mind:

When you get to heaven,

don't look shocked,

and do not point and stare.

There'll be many present,

who'll be stunned

to see that you are there.

Despite the large population, heaven will feel amazingly uncrowded which means no traffic. And that means no long commutes. No traffic jams. No horn honking. No road rage. Of course, with very few exceptions such as my 2013 Miata hardtop convertible, this means no cars, trucks, or SUVs in heaven. Therefore, when you wake up in the afterlife and you're driving a Ford Pinto station wagon in rush hour traffic...guess where you are?

Good news! There are no homeowner associations in heaven. And in heaven, the cable TV company will not give you a 10-hour window for their arrival and then show up the next day while you're at work after you took today off without pay. 

In heaven, you’ll be glad to know there are no mortgage payments, utility payments and insurance premiums. In hell, your insurance premiums skyrocket the first time you have a roof leak or fender bender in 10,000 years. Oh, and about health insurance in hell, everything is a pre-existing condition and you never meet the deductible.

Butt Seriously Folks

In heaven, your butt will look amazing for all of eternity. This is important because apparently the highest value and the greatest personal goal and obsession of contemporary men and women in the United States is the achievement a firm round booty.  

The downside about your eternal backside will be that because it is heaven...

1) Everyone will have a perfect backside which means there won't be anything special about yours, therefore no one will care about or compliment you on it.

2) The bottom line (pun intended) is that while you are walking up and down the streets of gold no one will be looking at your butt.

3) And neither will you. Because there are no mirrors in heaven. Why would there be? 

Is Heaven the Next Music City?

There are two pieces of good news regarding singing in heaven. First, there is not nearly as much singing in heaven as anticipated or dreaded. Heaven is not an eternal choir performance. Not even God wants to hear people and angels singing all day.

Secondly, the vocals in heaven are, however, outstanding. This is because the people allowed entrance into heaven either bring their great earth voices with them OR they are provided with great voices upon arrival. In that respect, heaven is a lot like a bowling alley. Good players bring their own ball and shoes, and others borrow the equipment.

Speaking of music, there are no bagpipes in heaven. If you wake up in the afterlife and you’re attending a bagpipe parade that stretches for several city blocks...you'll know where you are.

In heaven, baseball games last 60 minutes max; all football games are close; and all men regardless of height or athletic ability can dunk. The bad news is that there are no fights during hockey games and no wrecks during NASCAR races. On the other hand, the good news is that in heaven curling, dog shows and spelling bees are not considered "sports" and are thus prohibited.

What About…?

Many people want to know if there are pets in heaven. Yes, but only dogs. No cats. Cats would act like they owned the place.

Several have asked if couples will still be married in heaven. Several of those folks are concerned because in the words of one elderly gentlemen, “What about that ‘till death do us part’ clause? I thought dying fulfilled my contractual obligation.” That leads to this next item.

Several people have inquired whether there are lawyers in heaven. Perhaps. It depends. The good news is your ex's divorce attorney will not be there.

You’ll Be Glad to Know…

There is no social media in heaven. If you have 5,000 Facebook friends, 10,000 Instagram followers, and 20,000 Twitter re-tweeters in the afterlife, guess where your Tik Tok videos are being filmed and where they're going viral. 

To close with some good news, my reliable intel tells me that in heaven, there are no calories; and tiramisu has more nutrients than tofu. In heaven you can eat as much as you want of anything you want, and you won’t gain an ounce. So yes, heaven will be like a magic Royal Caribbean cruise ship with a Golden Corral on every level and a midnight buffet with a truly infinite dessert bar.  

In hell, when you eat one small leaf of kale, you gain 10 pounds…and it all goes straight to your butt.

Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage & family therapist in Franklin,  (www.ramonpressontherapy.com)  the author of multiple books, and a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. He can be reached at [email protected].