Ramon Presson

Andy: Why are you wearing an Army gas mask? You look ridiculous. 

Barney: (muffled, unintelligible words) 

Andy:  I don’t understand a word you’re saying. Take that thing off; you’re gonna scare the children.  

(Barney pulls the mask off, smooths his hair back down.) 

Andy: Where did you get a gas mask, for heaven’s sake? 

Barney: At the Army Navy surplus store in Mount Pilot. 

Andy: Barney, I told you that Aunt Bea and the Ladies Auxiliary are making masks for us to wear. 

Barney: I tell you what Aunt Bea could make that would probably just kill off the coronavirus. 

Andy: Her homemade kerosene pickles? 

Barney: Andy, I’ve seen flowers wilt when she opens a jar. 

Andy Well, there’s still about 30 quarts of ‘em left over from last summer. I hid them in the garage. They’d be pretty potent by now. 

Barney: I bet the CDC could make a vaccine from the juice. 

Andy: Shhhh, here she comes. 

Barney: Hi Aunt Bea, that sure is a pretty mask you’re wearing. 

Aunt Bea: Well, I’m glad you like it because I made two just like it for you boys. 

Andy: (makes a face that Aunt Bea can’t see) Barn, would you looka there---two matching cotton floral print masks for you and me. 

Barney: (stares blankly)  Yea, how ‘bout that. 

Aunt Bea: Well, I gotta run. I’ll be in the garden if you need me. I’m planting cucumbers again. I know how much you boys love my summer pickles.  

(Aunt Bea walks down the sidewalk humming happily.) 

Barney: Andy, I’m not wearing a mask with pink flowers and purple butterflies on it.  

Andy: Well, this here wouldn’t be my first choice either, but we have to wear a mask in public.  We’re safety officers and we need to set an example. 

(Gomer walks up) 

Andy: Hi Gomer. 

Gomer: Hi Andy, Hi Barney. Goober says Hey. 

Andy: Hey to Goober. 

Gomer: Barney, why aren’t you wearing a mask? 

Barney: Well, I ain’t wearing THIS, I tell you that. 

Gomer: Then you’re breaking the law. CITIZEN’S ARREST!  CITIZEN’S ARREST! 

Barney: Oh, shut up, Gomer. 

Andy: Where you headin’, Gomer? 

Gomer: I thought I’d check to see if Floyd was open yet. Goober offered to cut my hair; but have you seen him since he cut his hair hisself?  It’s not a pretty sight. 

Andy Gomer, Floyd’s barbershop is still closed. Emmett’s Fix-It shop is still closed. And the diner is only doing take-out.   

Barney: Did you catch Rev. Tucker’s sermon streaming online on Sunday? He’s talking about holding services at the drive-in theatre in Mount Pilot.  And I’m thinking about buying a car. Mrs. Lesh is a sweet little old lady who’s selling a 1954 Ford sedan with low mileage. She only drove it to church on Sundays. And it’s only $300.  

Andy: But that’s all the money you have in savings, ain’t it? 

Barney: Yes, but I feel good about this.  

Gomer: Barney, I think you should let Gomer take a good look at that car before you buy it.  Just don’t say nuthin about his haircut.  

(Opie walks up) 

Opie: Hey, Pa. 

Andy: Hi Ope. Wait, aren’t you supposed to be at home on a Zoom call with your teacher about your math homework? 

OpieMiss Crump gave us the day off.  Turns out that she and Thelma Lou were up all night binge watching the first 3 seasons of The Crown on Netflix. If you ask me, I think they both have hangovers too 

Barney: So, that’s why Thelma Lou didn’t respond to my texts last night. 

Andy: Well, son, get on home and get your chores done.  

Opie: Pa, after I’m done cleaning up my room, can I play a few hours of Call of Duty Black Ops before I get on Instagram?  

Andy: I reckon. 

Opie: Oh, I almost forgot. Aunt Bea said she’s tired of cooking and wanted you to get take-out from Olive Garden. And she said she’s completely out of her stash of good wine so she’s wonderin’ if you could stop by Otis’ Wine & Spirits on the way home and pick up a few bottles of merlot.  

Andy: You wanna join us for supper, Barn? 

Barney: I’d love to Andy, but I told Thelma Lou I’d take her through the drive-thru at Chick-fil-A.  

Andy: You’re the last of true romantics, Barney.  Thelma Lou’s a lucky girl.  

(Ernest T. Bass jumps out from behind a bush where he’d been hiding and eavesdropping on the conversations.) 

Ernest T:  I don’t have any supper plans, sheriff.  And I’ve been workin’ on my table manners. Listen to this… “No coffee, tea, or punch, thank YOU.”  

Andy: Do you like pickles 

Ernest T: Oh, I looooooove pickles!  

(Andy and Barney make eye contact and smile.) 

Andy: In that case, dinner’s at 6:30. You’re in for a rare treat. 

Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at ramonpresson@gmail.com. 

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