First day of winter and I’m already ready for it to be spring. It’s dark at 4:30 p.m. That’s just wrong. I want to speak to the person in charge.
The people who participate in those Polar Bear Plunges are crazy. The only way I’m jumping into ice cold water is if a polar bear is chasing me and I don’t have a gun.
One of my Facebook friends lives in Denver and she says, “Sure, it’s cold, but it’s a dry cold.” I wonder if people stranded in an Arctic snowstorm comfort themselves with those words. “Sure, it’s cold. It’s minus 40 degrees and I’ve lost all my toes…but it’s a dry cold.”
In order to have a better attitude about winter it’s been suggested to me that I take up a winter sport. Hockey is a winter sport and I like watching NHL highlights on SportsCenter… It’s not helping.
C’mon, let’s have some snow! If it’s going to be cold, damp, and grey I want something to show for it. Sorta like when you’re really nauseous you wish you could just go ahead and throw up. Maybe that’s not a good analogy.
One of my clients is from Colorado and he’s struggling with the Tennessee winters. He said that Colorado has sun 375 days a year. Not only would I welcome that many days of sunshine, I like the idea of living in a place where you get 10 extra days per year.
One of my clients is leaving town today and will be working remotely for the next four weeks from a beachfront cottage in Watercolor, Florida. I used to like the guy.
The sun came out today and I heard a man scream, “Oh my God, what it is that strangle yellow orb in the sky??!! We’re all gonna die!!” I slapped him to calm him and said, “Get a hold of yourself, man, it’s just the sun. Don’t worry, it’ll be gone tomorrow.” He thanked me and went on his way.
According to AAA a whopping 72.4 percent of winter related traffic accidents in the south are caused by northerners claiming that people in the south don’t know how to drive in the snow.
I completely made up that AAA statistic but I’m asking God to make it true.
My friend, Tim, tells me that winter exists to make us better appreciate the other seasons. So I said, “In heaven at the top of every hour is there 15 minutes of hell to make us appreciate the next 45 minutes of bliss?
I have Facebook friends from West Palm Beach posting photos of themselves sailing and eating seafood at outdoor restaurants. I think Facebook needs an additional feature besides unfriending someone—the option of just blocking them from November to May.
Daylight Savings Time starts today. Productivity throughout the country will be down consistently for the next three weeks because workers lost one hour of sleep last night. People party hard all weekend and show up at the office on Monday like nothing happened. But then the same people lose 60 minutes of sober slumber one night of the year, and for the rest of the month they act like someone with a bad hangover and a severe concussion.
This is the first day of spring?? Seriously??!! Obviously Mother Nature either can’t read a calendar or doesn’t get one every year in the mail from her State Farm agent.
It was surprisingly warm today. The daffodils and Bradford Pear trees are starting to bloom. They’re stupid and have a short memory. Because they can’t read a calendar, when it’s warm they think it’s safe to play outside again. But the Frost Monster will get them. Early Spring in Tennessee is a season that was likely created by Stephen King.
It’s 85 degrees today. So, is that how it works now? We just go from winter to summer, and skip over spring? I didn’t realize that Mama Nature was having financial problems. “Yea, I’m sorry, kids; but things have been a bit tight this year. The bottom line is that I just couldn’t squeeze spring into the budget this time. Maybe next year.”
Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage & family therapist in Franklin, (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) the author of multiple books, and a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. He can be reached at [email protected].