By RAMON PRESSON
Dear Fed-Eggs Recruiter,
I should begin by telling you that yesterday I spilled sweet iced tea on my laptop keyboard. Fortunately, everything works ecksept the key for the letter in the alphabet that comes between W and Y. When I tap that key, nothing happens.
Most people seeking an ekksecutive position at a Fortune 500 company would get their laptop repaired or borrow a friend’s laptop to type an important cover letter like this. But I felt this would be an opportunity to demonstrate my ability to stay calm in a crisis, work around obstacles, and deliver things on time—all important qualities of an ekseptional company like Fed-Eggs.
As you eggzamine my resume I’m confident that you’ll conclude, just as my parole officer did, that because of my years of ecksperience and dedication to eccsellence I would be a perfect fit for Fried-Eggs. I’m willing to be flecksible and work my way to the top and start as a driver as soon as the judge in Teksuz reinstates my license.
I would also like to say that I did not authorize YouTube to post the video of my ekzit interview from rehab. It was apparent that my detocks at that time was far from complete.
I hope the Fed-Ekks CEO received the zeerocksed copy of a copy of my resume I faksed directly to him. I also have several eggstremely impressive letters of recommendation from people who have agreed to acknowledge that they know me.
I believe it goes without saying that as a job candidate I bring a lot to the table. Plus I’m willing to slide a little something ekkstra under the table to get this job, if you catch my meaning.
I can assure you that if hired without a thorough background check I will be an eggzimplary employee, especially when I remember to take my Valium and Zanecks.
By the way, if you contact my references you may get a busy signal as all the inmates in a quad have to share the same wall phone.
Oh and one other thing, I usually request use of a company car for my personal use, but in this case I’ll make an ekkseption since I’ll have my own Fed-Ecks van.
Alekks T. Groverbaum
Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at email@example.com. To read Presson’s previous columns go to www.franklinhomepage.com/?s=ramon+presson