By RAMON PRESSON
Many people are familiar with the lofty (i.e. impossible) standard of the Proverbs 31 Woman. What you probably didn’t know is that in March of this year it was discovered that the original book of Proverbs had a chapter missing. It turns out that one of King Solomon’s wives wrote a response to the Proverbs 31 Woman, a chapter she insisted be included and titled “The Proverbs 32 Husband.”
Lust in Translation
Scholars now know that Solomon struck a deal with his wife. In exchange for keeping Proverbs 32 out of the final text, the King agreed to write a lengthy steamy love poem to her that his publisher titled “Song of Solomon.” The “Song” would go on to be included in the Old Testament canon although few church members can recall ever hearing a sermon from it as preachers have blushed and shied away from explaining Solly’s unusual metaphors for sex and body parts.
Luck in Transaction
I was blessed to have international Bible scholars turn to the renowned Presson Institute for Ancient Literature Translation to decipher and translate the priceless Proverbs 32 document into English for a ridiculously large sum of money. And I’m proud to share that final translation with you now.
The Proverbs 32 Husband
A husband who folds the laundry, who can find? He is worth more than chocolate.
His wife has full confidence in him, and almost never compares him to her sister’s husband, the doctor.
His voice is rugged, but his hands are smooth. His shoulders are broad, his arms muscular, but his touch is always gentle like silk and cotton balls.
He changes the oil in her car every 6,000 miles with his own tools in the driveway.
He subscribes to Sports Illustrated but when the annual swimsuit issue arrives, he promptly tosses it in the recycle bin.
He talks about his feelings and inquires about hers.
He shoots wild game on his way home from the office, prepares it for dinner along with fresh vegetables he harvested from the garden that he planted next to the swimming pool he designed beside the gazebo he built for his wife on Mother’s Day.
He bench-presses 300 pounds and writes poetry to her in calligraphy.
He picks up his underwear from the floor without even being asked.
He forsakes watching college football with his friends to go with his wife to craft fairs, antique shops and clothing boutiques.
He regularly invites her feedback and advice on areas of his expertise.
He goes outside to trim his toenails and never makes bodily noises in her presence.
When his laptop freezes up, the lawn mower won’t start, and he smashes his thumb with a hammer, he curses not. Instead, he recites a clever line from Shakespeare or sings a stanza from her favorite Broadway musical.
He finds all of his wife’s friends fascinating and encourages her to have them over to the house more often.
He often says to her, “Honey, please eat. You need to gain weight.”
When his wife has had a stressful day at the country club and spa, he makes her a mint mojito and rubs her feet with aloe lotion.
He irons his own shirts.
When it snows he has no fear for his family because his entire household is clothed in NorthFace and Patagonia.
He insists that his wife not feel compelled to wear uncomfortable lace lingerie to bed. Instead he encourages her to sleep in something comfortable and warm, like long flannel.
He understands when she says, “Can we just cuddle tonight?”
He neither snores nor grinds his teeth. He doesn’t wake her by getting up to go to the bathroom during the middle of the night.
He never complains about his beloved’s shopping habits. Verily he says to her, “My heart for you is a book of blank checks and a pulsing credit card with no spending limit.”
Such a man, who can find? If he existed he would be worth more than chocolate.
Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org. To read Presson’s previous columns go to www.franklinhomepage.com/?s=ramon+presson