Ramon Presson

Political leaders certainly aren’t the original brewers of the increasingly popular Profani-Tea and Vulgari-Tea but they certainly are steeping it, drinking it, and promoting it lately.

And as usage of those two spicy beverages has increased around Washington, the sales and consumption of Civili-Tea have plummeted.

Remarked one tea shop owner near Capitol Hill, “Civili-Tea now is about as popular as instant Sanka. A few decades ago I had Republicans, Democrats and Independents in here — they were all buying it. Now I can’t give it away.”

Slipping Sipping

Another previous standard, a smooth sipping blend called Sani-Tea, has slipped in customer demand while Hostili-Tea and Insani-Tea are flying off the shelves.

Another tea shop owner on the Beltway was asked why Communi-Tea was in short supply. He replied, “Communi-Tea is a blend that starts with the foundational leaves found in Uni-Tea. Neither seem to be in much demand lately.”

America’s Tea

In my research I learned that one of the most American of teas and a perennial best-seller now exported around the world is “Individuali-Tea. Nutritionist, sociologists, and psychologists all agree that in moderation Individuali-Tea is actually quite healthy.

But as one sociologist stated, “Individuali-Tea can be addictive for many people and then it’s all they want to drink. A potential side-effect of the tea being too strong or being consumed in large volumes is that the person becomes quite self-centered and self-absorbed, concerned only with their own needs and feelings.”

Dr. Lipton went on to say, “We’ve learned that the ingredients of Individuali-Tea along with its bitter cousin Superiori-Tea can act as an empathy and compassion suppressant.”

Measuring the Teas

After discovering these disturbing shifts in tea consumption, I decided to poll some of the top tea manufacturers and distributors and ask what teas are trending upward and which ones are slumping based on sales. Here is what I learned:

Soaring Sales

Celebri-Tea — Sipping this blend is believed to make all your dreams come true.

Publici-Tea — known as the gateway tea to Celebri-Tea

Populari-Tea – fleeting flavor, often mistaken at first for Securi-Tea

Prosperi-Tea — Everyone wants this highly sought-after tea and many will do almost anything to get it

Depravi-Tea – an acquired taste, this blend seems to be gaining more fans every year

Brutali-Tea — a bitter kin of Cruel-Tea, both are actually toxic

Steady Sales

Anxie-Tea -- not good or even popular, yet consumed in large amounts by millions

Pover-Tea—In many parts of the U.S. and the world this is the only beverage known. Best steeped in unsafe drinking water.

Adversi-Tea – a bitter tea with a strong aftertaste similar to Calami-Tea

Creativi-Tea – a welcome and enduring blend that continues to thrive despite the steady production and consumption of the previous three teas described.

Slumping Sales

Reali-Tea – Many consumers seem to be losing touch with this one.

Hones-Tea — one of Washington’s least served beverages

Morali-Tea –Critics claim the flavor of Morali-Tea is smooth but boring.

Integri-Tea – Said one Senator, “I drank a lot of Integri-Tea my first six months in office but I wasn’t seeing any benefits to it, so I switched to bourbon.”

Sancti-Tea – Mass shootings and bombings have invaded events and places where Safe-Tea and Sancti-Tea were historically supplied —c oncerts, sporting events, festivals, college campuses, restaurants, offices, and stores. However, when not even elementary schools, high schools, churches, and synagogues are off-limits to violence then there is no longer sacred space.

Rare and Valuable

Divini-Tea — Many critics pan the flavor and some naysayers deny even the existence of this oldest of treasured teas.

Generosi-Tea – often shows up in surprising places. The irony is that everyone wants to drink it but few want to serve it.

Hospitali-Tea – In a culture of cocooning households Hospitali-Tea is a delicious throwback to a bygone era.

Authentici-Tea – rare but always refreshing.

Despite all the toxic teas and bitter blends being produced I continue to find and celebrate the people and the places where the best versions and flavors of Humani-Tea are being served.

Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at ramonpresson@gmail.com. To read Presson’s previous columns go to www.franklinhomepage.com/?s=ramon+presson

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